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The photo above is of my father-in-law, Louis, playing pool with Ben’s cousin Matt. They both look so serious, I need to be like that more often.

Side note: please see the poll below about what you’d like me to write more about.

me pretending to be choked by Ben (gently) putting a glowstick necklace on me at our after party

The next photo, of is of me making a weird face while Ben looks like he’s lovingly shushing me, really bugs me because I know that I was being goofy and he was being loving and it really bothers me when I miss the mark like that. Plus, it’s a really unattractive photo of me! Why couldn’t I spend all day wrapped up in my “love blankie” with him? Why can’t I still? What is holding me back from being present in my own life? I keep giving myself excuses for not being present, I hurt my knee so I can’t do yoga, I’m tired so I’ll just throw together freezer staples instead of real/affordable/more nutritionally dense meal, it’s late so let’s just go to sleep without snuggles. Yeah, I’m lacking in accountability right now and looking back on the wedding I wish I could go back to that mental state I was in for the ceremony and reception (before I apparently burnt out and went goofy at the after party) and just be me without false pretenses or excuses. Maybe I’m in a funk because I’m tired of the reply to my job applications being a phishing response (no, I do not think that you need my SSN or for me to go to another site that STILL doesn’t list your company’s name) to my earnest cover letter/resumes that I send out.

I’m just frustrated with looking for a job, again. WHY DO I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS EVERY YEAR!? I felt like I was being so practical when I went back to school TWICE after graduation to study business and paralegal studies. I suppose those two certificates have made me more marketable than just a BA in music, but I feel like I’ve only been employed at the level I’d like to be for about 1/2 of my time since graduating. And just as a reminder, I graduated in May 2007, over 3 years ago. That’s 50% of my life as a college graduate spent unemployed, looking for work, or doing menial jobs at data entry and a grocery store bakery just to not feel like a burden and at least be able to pay for my own health insurance and gasoline.

The good news is, I suppose, that I won’t have to negotiate time off for the high holidays. They had lined themselves up so well this year! I would only have need to ask for 2 days for Rosh Hashanah and a 1/2 day for erev Yom Kippur.

Ok, thanks for reading through this co-opted post all the way to the end. I meant for my last wedding photo post to be all lovey-dovey but that photo just set me off because I’m so disappointed with my behavior in it and I needed to get that out. I’ll try and get back to my regularly bubbly self soon. Seriously, once my knee is better maybe I’ll go back to yoga. Maybe I’ll even go today, there’s a class with an instructor that I really like in 45 minutes. I’ll just take some advil with a small glass of milk and be on my merry way.

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